Photograph of an open title page. A large, block-letter number one handwritten with red ink. Below that, “‘NECTAR COLLECTOR’” printed in black ink block letters. Below that, a black and white illustration of a hummingbird in flight.

Content advisory: This chapter includes a graphic description of physical assault. It is in italics.

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Saturday, September 21, 2013

Exercise: Identifying your Trauma

1. Several weeks ago, as I walked home from a failed attempt at watching the Leonids with ▬▬▬, I was jumped from behind by a man with a stun gun. He tackled me to the ground and attempted to incapacitate me first with the stun gun and then by slamming my head against the sidewalk. After several minutes of struggling, throughout which I screamed, he gave up and retreated to his car parked nearby. I ran and hid in the shadowy parking lot across the street and he drove off.
2. Presumably (and reportedly), nearby (and even not-so-nearby) neighbors heard my screams, the snap of the stun gun, or both. I don’t know whether they saw any of the attack itself, although someone reported seeing a VT plate on the car. After he pulled off I saw several neighbors from ▬▬▬, all men, on the sidewalk across the street. At this point I was sobbing loudly and they rushed to where I was. They asked me what had happened — wait, I’d had to dial 911 before I spotted them across the street. The dispatcher didn’t know where I was and, thankfully, the call dropped about when the neighbors reached me. There were at least two adult men and one teenage (but large, tall and stocky) boy (who seemed very uncomfortable). I asked one of the men to call 911, but judging by how soon thereafter emergency vehicles arrived, someone already had. A woman in her bathrobe (▬▬▬, who gave me this book) showed up. She hugged me and said she’d come to make sure that there was a woman present. She didn’t stay long, and at the time I only intellectually appreciated her gesture, but I am so grateful. She left just after the emergency responders and ▬▬▬ showed up. Sgt. Bonnier photographed my injuries with a flash, asked preliminary questions, and asked if he could come by the ER later. I said of course. Two EMS guys performed an initial check and asked if I would like to be transported by ambulance to the ER. That was the first time I’d ridden in an ambulance. ▬▬▬ rode up front and I rode in the back with one of the guys. He let me sit in the seat rather than reclined on the wheely bed. Those beds always make me feel so awkward.
3. Pretty much everyone has acknowledged this as traumatic. Help: the neighbors coming out (although I wonder if things might have been different if they’d come out sooner); Taylor coming; the man who called 911 again; the first responders; the EMTs; the nurses at the ER (especially the one who grinned at my gallows humor and kept letting me make/try to make calls); Sgt. Bonnier (even though he was a jerk later on); the people who did all the tests; Taylor, Taylor, Taylor; the S&S officer who picked us up after I was discharged and brought us home; Rich for calling first thing and being upset about Sgt. Bonnier (OH! I forgot Dad, for calling and arguing w/ Sgt. Bonnier) and collecting my clothing as evidence (even though it was 1/3 of my bras — nice blue one :(, my new underwear and socks, my nice velvety purple overshirt, threadless matches T, comfy AE artist jeans, and Merrills — I probably at least wouldn’t have been able to wear the shirts again); the officer who took all the photos; the officer, Grace, who spent like 3 hours with me on the composite; Rich for the verbal account instead of a written one like Sgt. Bonnier requested; for letting Taylor get a sandwich at the gas station; for making the video reenactment at the scene; Sam for stopping while we were there to say hi and give me another hug; everyone who blitzed me (Deans Buckley and Gomez, Rebel, Audrey, Mary-Therese); everyone who commented on my facebook photo; Nora for offering me somewhere to stay; Holli for offering me somewhere to stay; Amy for checking to see if it was me and offering me rides whenever; Rebecca for coming back when she heard and bringing flowers, chocolate, a teddy bear, and maple yogurt; Rich for checking in; Officer Willey for checking in at the info booth; Rebel for checking in; Sele Max for checking in; Devin for checking in; the counselor who met with me during on-call hours, even though he was awkward; the S&S officer who drove me to and from that appointment; Shaun for being so nice about the curtains and crazy paper, and locks, and for making crepes; Shermaine for giving me and Taylor a ride to the Hop with our luggage to catch the Coach; whichever old alumn covered my shift at the info booth the next day; Wendy and the other guy from C&SE for checking in with me at the booth; the HPo officers who responded about the sketchy hiker; everyone at Preservations for being so nice and supportive; Mary for being so supportive; Taylor’s family for being normal; my family for being frustrated and horrified and supportive and loving; Eric for offering to let me stay the night; Mom for making my bed and putting the yellow flowers in a vase on my headboard; Strelly for being strong and loving; JP for giving me a lot of love and space and notes on nice red paper and for calling me a super hero; Kris for reading what I sent him and not saying anything but ‘thank you;’ everyone who told me I was brave and strong; my parents for shipping the things that wouldn’t fit in my suitcase after we went thrifting; Taylor for turning in my timesheets and going with me to buy curtains and escorting me everywhere and sitting with me in the info booth; Taylor for doing all of the cooking and most of the cleaning; Sarah Chung for normalizing everything and giving me a chance to dump more than I’m willing to on anyone else; Rachel for the care package; Mary for the chocolate bar; Sam for the beautiful gifts and note; S&S for offering me rides from the studio at night; the officer who pulled over to offer me a ride on one of the first days; Jerry for hugging me on the sidewalk right after my haircut; AP for communication and bringing the Evelyn Waugh book to Preservations and everything else; everyone who’s kept asking me if there are any updates on the case; Keith for putting an eyehole in the door right away; Zach for giving me a ride to work and coming back with teas and muffins and then giving me a ride home; Taylor for walking with me to campus and closing the curtains and locking everything and checking the whole house, and for staying with me or nearby when I use the bathroom, brush my teeth, shower, and do laundry; Shaun for letting us know when it’s him outside; Shaun for putting back everything in the kitchen that ▬▬▬ moved; the film professor for being responsive about the class schedule and gracious about my dropping; Dean Hoyt for her varyingly creative and unhelpful, helpful advice about my course load; Larissa for meeting with me on such short notice and being kind and offering to support my petition and calling Sarah then and there, and for telling me about her experience and the treatment that had been most helpful, and scheduling another appointment; Sarah for offering to support my petition to the Registrar; Tracey for telling me about what happened to her; the woman at the front desk of the Deans Office for inviting me to use the space at any time; Grace for asking if I might ever do art about it; Mary-Therese for talking and listening to me and remarking on the composite that had been on the bulletin board and offering to make lots of copies for campus on the SART printer; whoever put that composite up; Etai, Hannah, and Allegra for visiting as a group of roaming minstrels and bringing lots of junky snacks; and everyone and everything else that I can’t remember right now or hasn’t happened yet.
   Oh: Larissa for calling to remind me about the petition to the Registrar and advising me on how to fill it out; Devin for taking me to tea; Dad for telling Mr. Culberson and setting up brunch; Mr. Culberson for being a gentleman; Sun God for reposting the composite; everyone else who reposted the composite; Ben for getting in touch; and JP for sitting with me in the grass.
4. Being in public, especially alone. Having anyone behind me, especially unexpectedly, especially rapidly, especially when I’m alone. Men who resemble the perp. That specific location. This general area. Being out at night. Anything that sounds like a stun gun. Being in public etc. has gotten better. Ditto for that spot, this area, & zappy sounds. Having (or thinking) someone behind me esp. when alone still very upsetting. Men who resemble the guy or look/act weird still very upsetting. Being outside at night very upsetting, but doable w/ at least one other person. Far better around many people. Night in general has gotten easier. Nothing’s gotten worse since it happened.
5. Conclusions: Ignoring inner voice in favor of social decorum/goodwill/trust can be dangerous. Walking alone can make one more likely to be chosen as a victim. Walking at night can also make one more vulnerable. Walking alone at night is too risky. Even areas that seem safe may not be. Someone can intend you harm without necessarily seeming it or even knowing you. Even if there are people around, they may not come to your aid (at all/in time). Wearing rough, bulky, durable clothing can keep you safe. Having long hair can make you unsafe. Having a female-presenting body can make you a target for violent sexual predators. I am capable of reacting quickly in dangerous situations. I am well-prepared to respond to physical aggression. I have a large, loving, supportive community. It must really be possible for some people to see other people only as objects. Men in this area who look like that could be him. This area is not as safe as I thought. Human beings actually are a greater threat to me than other animals. My voice is loud and powerful. Screaming for help can be lifesaving. People respond more to tragedy/strength&survival than to individual striving and accomplishment. Death will probably come before I am ready for it. Continuing to struggle even if things seem bad and there’s no sign of progress will always, always get you further than giving up. Being nice to everyone and generally a good person will not necessarily keep you safe. Small kindnesses can be great kindnesses. Being aware of my surroundings — especially aurally — helps keep me safe and prepared. Not being aware of my surroundings — especially aurally — can be dangerous.

after 🡺